I think I should buy shares in WeightWatchers.
Mind you, saying that, I should also buy shares in Carling, Gordon’s Gin and anything white, red or inbetween.
Which may be part of the problem. However. Moving on.
This year I joined WeightWatchers for the 752nd time. Ok, not really, but I reckon it must be the 4th or 5th. I get weighed on a Tuesday teatime and I eat for England on a Tuesday night.
I think I’ve done every diet going, apart perhaps from the cabbage diet, and I can imagine there is probably alot of ‘going’ with that one.
Atkins. Which makes your breath smell. That red/green one which made me blue, as I couldn’t understand it. Rosemary Conley with all the little-girlie-keepie-fit exercises at the end.
WeightWatchers is the easiest; and to be honest has provided me with the most fun. In one of my membership incarnations the meetings were held in a room above a pub in Bolton. Well, that was like nectar to a bee as far as me and my pals were concerned. We’d get there early for the weigh-in, nip down to the bar, bring up two pints each and natter while the rest of the ladies (and one gent) ummed and aahed about where they slipped up.
I had terrible hangovers the next day, which always tickled my journo colleagues. I couldn’t even slim without getting hammered. Actually, that was very true. I couldn’t even slim! Eventually we were told we couldn’t drink in the meetings as “we were a bad influence”. Barred from drinking, in a pub. I ask you.
But this year I’ve had to knuckle down as I’ve put on more weight than ever before, mainly due to being on sick leave such a long time at the beginning of the year and having no energy to do anything. Except increase in girth.
But you’ll be pleased to know that so far I’ve lost a stone. I think it may have fallen down the back of the settee, but I’ve pulled the furniture out and still can’t find it.
As I’ve been going along I’ve been tweeting my dieting and get-healthy tips. And they have obviously been so succesful that I thought I’d find some of those tweets and share them with you. Here goes.
Dieting and getting fit the claretsgirl way:
- Make sure you do alot of wees before you get weighed; preferably in a room set aside specifically for the function
- If red wine manages to blur the memory of what you eat at a barbecue, then luckily you don’t have to count up the calories
- The word ‘pie’ only has three letters so is a lot better for you than ‘pie and chips’ which has 11.
- If you eat one of your dad’s chips when he’s not looking then they become invisible calories so therefore don’t count
- If you watch The One Show you will burn loads of calories by constantly tapping the remote trying to find something better
- Girls. The quicker you drink wine, the more an arm (lifting glass) and lips (sipping) need to move. So more calories are used
- Girls. If you drink red wine while reclining on the settee there’s no way it will find it’s way to your hips. Same for crisps.
- 90 mins ironing = one very large glass of red
- On hangover days your body needs stodge. Opening the fridge salad drawer is an impossibility. You must have Chinese curry. That’s science.
- Drinking cider and eating cheese and onion crisps provides fruit and protein in one sitting
- Dieting tip: DON’T DRINK
- If you have a gulp of water before a gulp of red wine, the alcohol can hide from the internal calorie-counting antibody police
- Save your calories for lager when there’s a big match on
- It’s ok to have a chocolate cream eclair and glass(es) of wine and crisps as it gets dark as you can’t see the calories to count them
- Try a procrastination diet and eat today what you might not eat tomorrow
- If the footie’s on, stuff the diet. Repeat as necessary on Saturdays and Sundays.
- You are what you eat. I’m often a lightly battered cod. Only slightly crusty round the edges.
- Calories don’t count if someone else has done the cooking
- If you join a salsa class, remember you don’t need to take your own tomatoes
- Jogging. There’s a thing. And a thing it will remain
- Drop your pedometer a few times to register steps, taking you nearer to your ‘healthy treat’ each day. Without moving an inch.
- 1000 steps on a pedometer cancels out calories of a glass of wine. So Ive taken to sitting down and stamping my feet. Easier.
- Use your pedometer to check how many times you walk to the bar. Reward your healthiness with a double gin.
- Finally … tapping out just over 800 words on a blog uses one calorie per letter. This allows you to have a mediumy-large-go-on-make-it-a-bit-larger glass of Chardonnay.